3 Whys & Valuing Sleep
My daughter texted me last night around midnight, “ugh, I can’t sleep.”
And when I read her text after I woke up this morning, my first feelings were sadness and concern because I’ve suffered with insomnia my entire life. I thought about the obvious connection too of blue light and devices, but she knows all about that stuff and wears light-blocker glasses, and started to text her back “I’m so sorry…I have I insomnia too, it sucks” yet that didn’t feel helpful.
So I used a self-awareness technique introduced by a group in my civilian leadership class called The 3 Whys to Develop Self Awareness.
It’s been done before, but their version was fresh and it’s the simplicity that makes this technique so powerful: essentially, you simply ask yourself at Why — it might take three Whys or maybe more — to help get you to a deeper understanding about yourself.
(1) Why do I feel sad that my daughter had a challenge with sleep?
Because I have suffered insomnia and it sucks.
(2) Why does my insomnia suck for me?
Because it means I’m not able to practice self-care the way I need to for life-balance.
Why is life-balance important to me?
(3) Because when my life is in balance, I set the conditions to be my best self in every way I think, speak, and act.
And that inspired me to go deeper to help my daughter. To do more than empathize but instead level up and share with her the tools in my insomnia toolbox.
This is for you, Aubrey ❤️
A couple of months ago in my journal, I wrote about life in terms of 24 hours a day. For a few weeks (this was tough for me in keeping up with it; I have ADHD, anxiety, PTSD too) I tracked what I chose to do with my time because I was curious why I felt like I never had enough of it even though it’s the only real constant; the one thing I can count on and build expectations around.
Typical 5-day week:
+ 8 hours / day for The Work Someone Pays Me to Do for Them: From the time I could push a lawn mower or babysit, I loved to work because work meant money. Over the years, my time in earning educational degrees, moving up the rungs of the career ladder, raising kids, getting divorced, investing in more training to stay relevant, and pushing so hard to define myself by the ego in my career, I got burned out. I wasn’t living smart, the lifestyle wasn’t sustainable; and it definitely was not healthy nor in balance. I’m still figuring this out for what works for me.
Moving forward from burnout and breaking the ego takes an incredible amount of self-awareness and time and money for growth (therapy, counseling, researching, doctors, medication, meditation, etc.) in order to make better decisions to improve.
So I work at enforcing this boundary of only 8 hours of work every day I get the urge to send just one more email after my duty hours. Definitely tough to initiate but literally federal laws and unions exist to protect people from being exploited, especially when they have people-pleaser traits.
+ 8 hours / day to do Whatever I Want: everything else from chores, self-care, relationships, side-hustles, passion projects, hobbies, travel, fam and friends, the All of iterating my future and planning my goals. Thankfully I get weekends to add to this 8; but in the past I’ve also used that weekend time and some of my weekly 8 hours to work 2nd and 3rd jobs.
+ 8 hours / day of Sleep: my mom was diagnosed with dementia 4 years ago at 77 (hindsight is she had been suffering for at least a decade — thus I’m penciling I’ve got 20 good years left to YOLO before the dementia comes knocking on the door — but dad was really good at denial and never asking for help…not Boomers, from the Silent gen) and lives with me now. Inspired by applied neuroscience research and working with various doctors over the years, I’ve learned the #1 factor to living is sleep.
Sleep for our brain is like the detailed car wash experience, the rest and recovery period in weightlifting, the daily vacay from the grind.
It’s critical for taking proactive steps to decrease my likely genetic predisposition to that terrible disease I see the effects of everyday.
So I welcome sleep now.
I am uber protective. I create and cultivate a space for it. I don’t take it for granted. I no longer tell myself, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”
Now in my second marriage, I stand up for my sleep. My partner has sleep apnea and without his magical cpap machine, we’d be in separate beds or divorced. He resisted sleep testing for 6 months until we finally had a breakthrough that there existed a “cure” that would benefit both him and me.
My sleep space is now snore-free and my toolbox is filled with:
+ eye masks
+ solfeggio frequency music
+ “brain dumping” the incessant to do list and “hooked” + thoughts in my head
+ journaling about gratitude
+ dialing in cooler temps
+ counting backwards from 100
+ box breathing
+ using 100% breathable cotton sheets and blankets with silk pillowcase and down-free pillows
and I still ask for more ideas when I talk to others.
It’s taken me years to cultivate this environment and set the conditions for my best sleep outcome…especially when I’ve slept on the ground, in my car, on a friend’s couch and never valued the quality or quantity of sleep.
Yet this week I still had two nights of shit sleep. But I realize the insomnia is anchored to how I self-care. I’m not in balance right now (new job, new house, new state, new friends, new interests) and it shows.
I’m grateful I know how to get back-on-track.
Insomnia sucks. We need not suffer alone. I wish you peace and sleep 🙏
You helped me process stuff now 💫
I know I’ll sleep better tonight because of you. Sweet dreams to us 😴😴😴
