I - STATEMENTS
“I feel disrespected when you interrupt me before I finish what I’m saying because it tells me you are not listening. I need to be able to have the chance and time to talk so I can feel heard.”
Implementing I - Statements may feel awkward, especially in the workplace. The word-choice is designed to draw attention to a person’s behavior…perhaps an overdone strength…instead of attack an individual’s character or point the finger of judgment.
The I - Statement is a simple formula and useful tool to enhance interpersonal communications; and it works in application with conflict management.
I shared my I - Statement experience with my preteen and teen yesterday over tacos and guacamole lunch. I needed a visual aid to better explain the parts of the I-Statement, so I Google-mined then airdropped to both of them the VerySpecialTales.com’s design.
Collectively using our iPhones, we zoomed in on the definitions and example. We chatted about what the parts meant. We started pitching ideas and, interestingly, the conversation got pretty deep. But we also connected more deeply with each other and decided to come up with our own I-Statements.
PART 1: Begin with “I” + feeling
“I” shifts the focus of the conflict to your experience with the person’s behavior. Through self-awareness, motivation, and commitment, our behaviors can improve. Using “You” — “You never let me finish what I’m saying!” — suggests a person’s character is the focus of blame, which may lead to them feeling attacked and defensive. Check out the Feelings Wheel to dive more deeply into identifying how you feel about your experience. Now begin your I - Statement:
I feel disrespected
PART 2: Identify the Behavior
Now add “when” to clearly identify — without blame — the other person’s behavior:
when you interrupt me before I finish what I’m saying
PART 3: How it affects you
Next use “because” to describe how the behavior impacts you.
because it tells me you are not listening.
EXTEND: CONSIDERATIONS
When engaging with the individual, take time to consider the conditions of when to deliver your I - Statement. You may have a need to respond immediately. Or you may have not been able to address the issue in the moment.
The individual may not have any awareness their behavior has caused conflict.
No matter the delivery, a calm and even mindset whether in person or behind a keyboard is key to encouraging emotional regulation. Keeping your intention in the pre-frontal cortex is the goal.
Therefore, you may want to add more context before delivering your I - Statement, depending on the relevance of the event to when the I - Statement is delivered to address your needs and feelings.
“Hi Zan. I wanted to follow-up with you about the staff meeting yesterday. Do you have a 15 minutes today or tomorrow to chat? Thanks!”
What other feelings might you have about the I - Statement?
I need to be able to have the chance and time to talk so I can feel heard.
Do you need more than one I - Statement to address all of the issues?
What might the individual receiving your I - Statement feel, think, say, or do?
How could you respond to the individual?
Are you prepared to offer smart solutions to problems?
Initially, my son (14 yo) and daughter (12 yo) felt challenged to find the words to articulate their unique experiences. Yet we all pushed through and soon we had three pen-to-napkin scrawled I-Statements. We read them aloud to one another, got the feels, and agreed to share back an airdropped pic of what we read on the napkin — just in case we forget.
In reflection, our shared I - Statement napkin pics became an instant example reference for just-in-time access each of us can look back on at anytime and anywhere. They serve to remind us of what we learned together that day; and, we felt less apprehensive and more empowered to handle conflict on our own.
Confirming those airdrops felt like another way to support each other…the ripple-to-wave, better versions of ourselves iterating within the nexus of a safe and shared experience. We envisioned ourselves “walking the talk” in life with family and friends, teachers and learners, greensuits and civis—and everyone else in between.
We knew with practice we would become more effective, resilient, and in control of self. Magical experiences for all!
What I-Statement resonates with you?
Feedback from Clients with Permission-to-Share
I feel my frustrated
when I cannot reference policy around expectations for work hours
because it makes it difficult to support me in setting healthy boundaries for work-life balance.
I feel proud
when my colleagues walk-the-talk of our vision and values
because it shows they believe in and trust the mission.
I feel disappointed
when we argue
because it reminds me of patterns in our relationship.
